The sun shines through the shades, creating beautiful slashes across my bedroom wall. The kids are home from school – sick but still having fun, running around the living room, making noise. I’m amazed at how much energy the kids have when they’re sick. When I’ve got a bug, I don’t feel like getting up to get something from the fridge, but they can’t sit still even though they’re not well.

I’ve been focused on my energy lately – I’m generally chomping at the bit to go go go. But lately, I honestly don’t feel like doing shit. I’ve been going back and forth between ‘listen to your mind and body’ and relax, and ‘get moving’ even though you feel like being still. I can’t remember who said it, but I did have someone tell me that I needed to hit the ground running in New York – it was framed as a warning. I’ve got numerous unanswered emails in my inbox, where people in my network are connecting me with people who they think I would vibe with. But even though I know I need to be making connections right now, I still can get myself to open up the emails and respond – knowing it might bite me in the ass.

There’s definitely an irony that I came to New York to slow down. I’m in the The City That Never Sleeps, and I just want to lay on the couch in silence. I don’t think it’s intimidation, or depression, or anything like that – I think I’m just processing so much information about the world, my family, and myself. And it’s like foundational things – like deep brain shit. It’s that blank white paper thing – so fresh and so open – and I’m just staring at the blank page thinking ‘what I am going to draw’ ‘what am I going to say’? I’m not stuck, it’s just a unique opportunity that I want to make sure I take the time to think through.

As I think about how I fit into this new blank slate, I’ve been super focused on my strengths and weaknesses. I did the Gallup StrenghtsFinder thing and I think it really nailed me. It cost money, but for me it was the first personality test that really had value (primarily cause when I normally do those things I end up feeling like it told me stuff I already know, and with StregthsFinder I got some important info that I had never realized). The idea is that you double down on your strengths and you don’t spend any time on your weaknesses. At first counterintuitive, it makes a lot of sense when you read through the logic. And then as I’ve been working to internalize those strengths and weeknesses, I’ve been parsing through how they fit into the various opportunities in front of me now that I’m in New York. And then take the analytical excersize a step further by stacking those ideas with how to integrate and leverage my past experience to make sure I’m building on the relationships and skills that I’ve been working on for the last 10 or so years. It’s no wonder that my brain is in such deep processing mode. They say kids need tons of sleep because they’re processing so much, perhaps adults need a little extra rest when they’re processing as well.

And here I sit, writing about life, which has been such an interesting excerise in and of itself – one that fits into the recent long list of ‘new things I’ve never done before’. It’s actually a pretty wild experience – writing that is. As the words go onto the page, perhaps there is an outside perspective that I have already had the ideas formed, but the crazy part of my writing is that I’m discovering the ideas one word at a time. Processing.

Leave a Reply